Finding me again

I've been wanting to start blogging again.  I feel like I need that outlet.  I was thinking about how much I used to love to write.  Short stories, poems, even just stream of consciousness like this.  I would like to try and start up again.
Things are still up and down for me.  I've been on a new anti depressant med for about a year and a half now, and it is helping.  Not super terrific wonderful, but helping.  I can tell that I am more numb than happy, but at least I am not always feeling hopeless and sad.  I have started to get anxiety attacks, which is a fairly new thing for me. My friend has given me some essential oils to use when I can feel one coming on, and they do help if I catch it in time.  My biggest trigger is when I'm sitting in the chapel full of people at church.  Especially if I'm boxed in the bench and feel like I have no outlet.  It also has happened at Jake's and Becka's band concerts.  I try to be mindful of that and sit on an outside edge whenever I can.  I can tell that Steve notices, and he tries to keep me on an edge as well.

Some really good things have happened.  Last February (2015), I joined a weight loss challenge group that my awesome sis in law, Dana was hosting. Each challenge lasts 12 weeks and has several steps to help start and maintain a healthier lifestyle.  I have finished 3 challenges in a row and have lost 33 pounds from my heaviest weight at 2013 pounds (I started the first challenge at 198 pounds).  I'm trying to be realistic and am setting my goal at 150 pounds.  I know I should probably be lower than that, but I want to get to 150 and then make a new decision from there.  It has been difficult for me.  I have lost the weight so slowly and it is very easy to gain back between challenges.  It scares me to know that when I don't have the accountability, I tend to lose control again and the weight sneaks up on me.  Steve joined me in the last challenge and he lost 30 pounds!  He won for the men's group.  It is a lot easier to have him doing it with me-someone else to keep me accountable and to encourage me.  I am not giving up, no matter how hard it is.

The kids are good.  Hannah started kindergarten this past fall and is doing great.  Rachel is in fifth grade.  She is still doing gymnastics and loves it.  She also started playing clarinet in band.  Jake is in 8th grade and just started basketball for the second year at school.  He still plays trumpet in band.  He recently got his Life Scout rank and is headed toward Eagle.  Becka is a senior.  She is taking full time classes at Clark College to obtain her HS diploma and her AA degree by June.  She would like to go to Western Washington University in the fall.  Steve and I made her apply to BYU as well.  She stopped band, much to our dismay, but is doing awesome in school and also has a part time nanny job.  My kids are amazing!  I'm so blessed.

I do have more to say, but there are bathrooms to clean and laundry to fold and messes to pick up.

This Friday it will have been ten years since my dad died.  Ten years. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Well, other than sad.  It's kind of crummy, how I can go a day or so now and realize that I haven't thought about him yet, when I used to think about him every day.  This sort of forgetting thing is really a bummer.  I don't want to forget.  I don't want my kids to forget.  I want to always remember.  Sometimes it takes me a minute to get a picture of his face in my mind, or remember what his voice sounded like.  I hate that. I do like that I can see traces of him in my kids at times...certain mannerisms that Jake has, or the way Rachie does something will trigger a memory of him for me.  It hurts my heart to know that Jake won't remember him and the two little girls never even got to meet him.  I miss my daddy.

Better

So far, I feel better today.  I haven't really done anything important, so I'm sure tonight I will be feeling like I wasted another day, but right now, I'm ok.  I snuggled on the couch with Ladybug for a long time, read a bit, and worked on the laundry mountain that never seems to slow down.  LB and I are headed in to tidy up the girls' room when I finish up here.  It's a mess of toys and clothes.  Shouldn't bee too hard to get it straightened up, it just seems like when I send the girls in there to do it by themselves, they make more mess than it started with!  They definitely do better with some guidance and help.  My goal over the next few weeks is to get the other members of this family to start picking up after themselves.  I think that is a lot of my problem.  I spend so much time putting other people's junk away that by the time I'm done doing that, I just want to cry when I see the regular jobs that still need to be taken care of.  Plus, it makes me upset because then I have no time to do something that I'd like to do, like create or read or exercise. 
I'm going to the temple tonight.  I really don't want to go.  I just want to stay home and do nothing, but I'm hoping it will be a good experience. 
Ok, off to clean up!  Hope your day is a great one!!

What's the problem?

I have issues, I know that.  I'll be the first to admit it.  But I just can't get over the feeling that there is something really wrong with me.  I just can't seem to do the things I want/need to do anymore without feeling completely overwhelmed and just usually end up shutting down completely because of the stress of it all.  Nothing I say or do seems to get me any help from my family.  I am tired.  Just really, really tired. Tired of everything.  Tired of trying.  Tired of pretending.  Tired of falling short of what everyone else thinks I should be.  It's really hard to face the mornings, knowing that I will end up feeling worse and worse as I go throughout the day and wishing the hours away until I can climb back in bed and sleep...oblivious to the crud for a few sweet hours.  Why do I feel like this and how do I make it go away?  I just want to feel happy and healthy again. 

Another try?

I've been feeling the need lately for some sort of outlet. I used to do things that I loved, like writing, photography, etc.  Now I feel like we are so busy that I'm lucky if I get a chance to read a bit before bed at night.  I would really like to start taking pictures again.  I've had an itch for the past month or so that makes me want to pick up the camera and spend some time behind the lens again.  I feel like I need to get the house in order before I can really get going on other things, so hopefully I can find the energy to make that happen.  I am also setting a goal to check in here more often.  It's been almost a year!  Yikes!

Did ya miss me?

I'm baaaacccckkkk!  :)  A friend asked me if I was going to start blogging again, so I am here attempting to revamp this place!  I will be back later with tons of pics, scrap pages and fun info on our latest activities.  I'm excited to tell you about our Disney trip too!!

Too much!

I'm so tired. Just drained. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. So much has happened. I will start with the biggest news and work my way through mentioning everything else. On August 28, Grammie died. She had been diagnosed with lung cancer in July of 2011, discovered that it had also affected her brain in May of this year. She had been doing weekly chemo treatments and then went through aggressive radiation therapy as well. It completely destroyed her. The radiation really did some bad things to her. I felt helpless as I watched her suffer. She had always said that she didn't want to go that way...dwindling down to nothing and in a lot of pain. I hated watching her and knowing that she was so miserable. She started hospice care in mid July (while I was at Girls camp...that way stressful. Being three hours away and not able to go and help my mom help Gram while she started this). By her birthday (August 18), Kenny finally agreed to let Mom take her to live with her. I helped when I could, going over to help get Gram up and to the bathroom, bringing the kids over to visit, etc. On Saturday, August 25, my mom called and asked for Steve and my brother Jason to come give Grammie a blessing because she was unconscious and couldn't be woken up. I stayed with them that night, just in case something happened. After I helped get Gram ready in the morning, I went home and got the kids ready for church. I went over again on Monday morning to help. On Tuesday morning, I got ready and texted my mom to see if she wanted me to come before or after I went to the gym. She told me Grammie wasn;t up yet, so go ahead and go to the gym, then come over. I had been at the gym only about 15 minutes when she texted me to tell me that Grammie had died. Let me tell you...that was not the text I expected to see. I got there as fast as I could. I still wish I had gone there first instead of the gym. Mom had ended up getting her up and getting her to the bathroom, and all settled in. She left to go make breakfast for Grammie and when she came back, Grammie had died. If I had been there, I would have been by her bed, holding her hand and talking to her. My mom wouldn't have been alone and had to deal with it by herself for those few minutes. I feel awful about it. I wish I would have just gone over there first.
Her funeral was Sept. 1. It was really nice. Kind of overwhelming to get put together in only three days because they didn't decide on the date for it until Wednesday. Tuesday, Sept 4, we had her internment at Willamette National Cemetery. The kids started school the next day. Poor Rachie had kind of a crazy birthday since it was the day after Gram died. Our beach trip for that weekend got cancelled, and we didn't get to spend much time with Grandma Great Parker, who was in town. Life just got all topsy turvy.
I miss her so much. She was exactly the kind of person I want to be like someday.