The Princess and the Pea!

Flower Addiction

Hi! My name is Heidi and I have a fabric flower addiction. There! I admitted it! :) I have been a crazy flower making fool for the past couple of months. I LOVE it! There's something about seeing my little girls wearing headbands and clippies with big ole flowers on them, or pinning on to a cute tote bag that just makes me feel happy inside. I even taught the Beehive class how to make two kinds of them for a project we made. I do have to admit that I definitely love my glue gun a little too much. I like the smell, the "power" of it (a little melted glue can fix almost anything!), how versatile it is. So, I have the best of everything. Get to use my glue gun, and make bright cheerful flowers for people.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Well, mostly bad and ugly lately, lol. There is something really wrong with me. I know it is depression/anxiety, I have dealt with that for a long time, but I'm not sure how to decide what kind it is or how I should treat it. Part of me thinks it is PPD, I had it so badly after Becka was born that I have been hyper vigilant after the other kids about taking my meds. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I thought I was doing ok this time, so I went off my meds last summer. I hate how I feel on them...like I'm in a fog. Just existing, not feeling any emotion. I'm not depressed, I'm not happy, I just am. Plus, I don't like taking anything while I am nursing if I don't have to. I was doing well until the last month or so. Because of that I am wondering if I actually have SAD instead. Last week was awful. I honestly was in bed or on the couch for 4 days straight, doing only the bare minimum I had to do. Being around a lot of people sometimes sends me into anxious, stressed out mode (Christmas was hard to deal with). I know it affects my kids. They were begging to go somewhere and I couldn't even bring myself to go outside, walk half a block down the street and get the mail. This week seems better, I've made a couple of goals for myself for this month. They are ridiculously easy and sound silly, but it's honestly where I'm at right now. They are to take a shower before I go get Rachel from school every day (11:10am) and go be outside for at least 10 minutes every day. The outside thing seems to help. This house is a dark cave and it makes me feel trapped, so getting even a tiny amount of light and fresh air makes a difference. I also wonder if it could be my hormones are still all crazy from having Ladybug and nursing, lack of sleep, etc. Maybe it's a combination of everything? I feel awful. I haven't gotten things done for other people that I was supposed to do, my house is trashed, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Steve wants me to try going back on the medicine, so I guess I'll try it again. I wish I could help him understand why I don't like taking it. I have some friends who have suggested I try taking vitamins, especially vitamin D and iron supplements. I know I am anemic and I do have a vitamin D deficiency, so that will help me be healthier even if it doesn't help the depression. I just want to be me again. I feel like life is passing by and I am missing the joy of it all because I can't deal with things the way I used to.