Thursday, January 6, 2011
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Well, mostly bad and ugly lately, lol. There is something really wrong with me. I know it is depression/anxiety, I have dealt with that for a long time, but I'm not sure how to decide what kind it is or how I should treat it. Part of me thinks it is PPD, I had it so badly after Becka was born that I have been hyper vigilant after the other kids about taking my meds. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I thought I was doing ok this time, so I went off my meds last summer. I hate how I feel on them...like I'm in a fog. Just existing, not feeling any emotion. I'm not depressed, I'm not happy, I just am. Plus, I don't like taking anything while I am nursing if I don't have to. I was doing well until the last month or so. Because of that I am wondering if I actually have SAD instead. Last week was awful. I honestly was in bed or on the couch for 4 days straight, doing only the bare minimum I had to do. Being around a lot of people sometimes sends me into anxious, stressed out mode (Christmas was hard to deal with). I know it affects my kids. They were begging to go somewhere and I couldn't even bring myself to go outside, walk half a block down the street and get the mail. This week seems better, I've made a couple of goals for myself for this month. They are ridiculously easy and sound silly, but it's honestly where I'm at right now. They are to take a shower before I go get Rachel from school every day (11:10am) and go be outside for at least 10 minutes every day. The outside thing seems to help. This house is a dark cave and it makes me feel trapped, so getting even a tiny amount of light and fresh air makes a difference. I also wonder if it could be my hormones are still all crazy from having Ladybug and nursing, lack of sleep, etc. Maybe it's a combination of everything? I feel awful. I haven't gotten things done for other people that I was supposed to do, my house is trashed, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Steve wants me to try going back on the medicine, so I guess I'll try it again. I wish I could help him understand why I don't like taking it. I have some friends who have suggested I try taking vitamins, especially vitamin D and iron supplements. I know I am anemic and I do have a vitamin D deficiency, so that will help me be healthier even if it doesn't help the depression. I just want to be me again. I feel like life is passing by and I am missing the joy of it all because I can't deal with things the way I used to.
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4 comments:
I am so sorry that you are going through a difficult time. I hope you stick with your goals. It really helps to get outside and take a walk each day. As often as possible. Have you seen your doctor yet? I suggest that you do so and get the help you need. My mother had severe periods of depression through out her life. So I know a little of what it is like to be depressed. It may take time, but things will get better. God bless. Know that you are loved.
Heidi, sorry you had such a bad week. I want you to know how much of a support you are to me and my family. You are always so willing to help and serve. Sometimes you have to remember yourself too. Getting out by yourself and having personal time is important to do regularly. I have a friend in my ward who is a Nurse Practitioner who said that she takes 800 U of Vitamin D daily (and recommends it to her patients) because it help since we get so little sun around here. Anytime you need a personal day call me and I can watch the kids so you can get out.
Heidi, I hope things have gotten easier for you. I wish I could be closer to you now to help out. I would recommend you check in with your doctor. You have listed a number of things that could be behind it. I hate medicine too, but sometimes it really is worth it. And always, always, ALWAYS know we love you and think the world of you! More than I think you realize-you are a light and a support to so many people. You touch peoples lives. And know that there are many people who would love to help you like you have helped them in times past (like us!). So if there is something we can do to help, please let us know! Love you and thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
Sorry to hear that you have been having a hard time. I thought I was the only one with problems. hehe
You are someone with such a giving heart and always are putting others over your own needs. I miss our families hanging out together. I have such fond memories of those days. I hope you know that you have people around you that love you and would be willing to do anything for you and your family. xoxo
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