Finding me again

I've been wanting to start blogging again.  I feel like I need that outlet.  I was thinking about how much I used to love to write.  Short stories, poems, even just stream of consciousness like this.  I would like to try and start up again.
Things are still up and down for me.  I've been on a new anti depressant med for about a year and a half now, and it is helping.  Not super terrific wonderful, but helping.  I can tell that I am more numb than happy, but at least I am not always feeling hopeless and sad.  I have started to get anxiety attacks, which is a fairly new thing for me. My friend has given me some essential oils to use when I can feel one coming on, and they do help if I catch it in time.  My biggest trigger is when I'm sitting in the chapel full of people at church.  Especially if I'm boxed in the bench and feel like I have no outlet.  It also has happened at Jake's and Becka's band concerts.  I try to be mindful of that and sit on an outside edge whenever I can.  I can tell that Steve notices, and he tries to keep me on an edge as well.

Some really good things have happened.  Last February (2015), I joined a weight loss challenge group that my awesome sis in law, Dana was hosting. Each challenge lasts 12 weeks and has several steps to help start and maintain a healthier lifestyle.  I have finished 3 challenges in a row and have lost 33 pounds from my heaviest weight at 2013 pounds (I started the first challenge at 198 pounds).  I'm trying to be realistic and am setting my goal at 150 pounds.  I know I should probably be lower than that, but I want to get to 150 and then make a new decision from there.  It has been difficult for me.  I have lost the weight so slowly and it is very easy to gain back between challenges.  It scares me to know that when I don't have the accountability, I tend to lose control again and the weight sneaks up on me.  Steve joined me in the last challenge and he lost 30 pounds!  He won for the men's group.  It is a lot easier to have him doing it with me-someone else to keep me accountable and to encourage me.  I am not giving up, no matter how hard it is.

The kids are good.  Hannah started kindergarten this past fall and is doing great.  Rachel is in fifth grade.  She is still doing gymnastics and loves it.  She also started playing clarinet in band.  Jake is in 8th grade and just started basketball for the second year at school.  He still plays trumpet in band.  He recently got his Life Scout rank and is headed toward Eagle.  Becka is a senior.  She is taking full time classes at Clark College to obtain her HS diploma and her AA degree by June.  She would like to go to Western Washington University in the fall.  Steve and I made her apply to BYU as well.  She stopped band, much to our dismay, but is doing awesome in school and also has a part time nanny job.  My kids are amazing!  I'm so blessed.

I do have more to say, but there are bathrooms to clean and laundry to fold and messes to pick up.