Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Not sure
I have had symptoms of low thyroid for years. It runs in my family-almost everyone has it. I have been tested over and over again and the results always come back ok. I am so tired of being tired. I know there are more detailed tests for thyroid that detect issues that the standard tests don't find, but my doctor thinks the usual tests are fine. Almost every day, (days that I'm not super busy running around), I completely crash by about 1:00 and I have been known to be in a coma like sleep for up to 6 hours. It is really hard to wake up from that kind of sleep. I always think, "Oh, I will just lie down and read or watch a tv show or rest my eyes..." and BAM! I'm out and basically incapacitated for hours until I can shake off the exhaustion. It happened today, worse than it has been in a while. I am really frustrated. Why is it that I have classic symptoms of things that can be helped with medication, but none of my tests come back positive? ARGH!!
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
changes, blessings and new adventures
Here I am again, marveling at the many things I have been blessed with. I need to start at the beginning, which takes us WAY back to about this time last year.
Once I realized that Hannah would be attending full day Kindergarten, I began to worry about getting a job. Now, I promise I am not lazy. I have worked when I needed to, had two jobs when Steve was in school and I was expecting Becka. My main desire, goal and plan has always been to be a stay at home mom. I honestly never wanted a career, never had an idea of what to study in school, etc. I just really wanted to be a mom. My calling as mother has always been first and foremost in my mind (and thankfully Steve's) and I felt that even though my kids were in school, they still needed that security of knowing that I am home waiting for them and available whenever they need me. I also felt guilty. I was home with the other kids when they were in school, didn't Hannah deserve my attention as well? Guilt is something I am very good at.
Anyway, I prayed and thought about the decision to go to work once school started. I received an answer of not yet. My impression was to take this school year off to continue my weight loss goals, work on organizing the house, take some time to do a few things that I have put aside in recent years. I told Steve and he and I agreed to that plan. Well, last fall, we started really looking at college costs for Becka and realizing just how dang expensive it is. Steve started to really get worried. He kept telling me I needed to get a job. I was conflicted because I felt like I had already gotten my answer for this school year and I hadn't felt like anything needed to change. But, I knew that if I was working, it would help pay off some bills and help contribute to Becka's schooling next year. I prayed and fasted and went to the temple and prayed for an answer again. My answer was the same. Not now. I was so confused. On one hand, I had my husband asking me to please go ahead and do it now, and on the other hand, I had the Lord telling me no. It was a really strange place to be. So, I applied for a part time job at the public library. I felt really confident. It was the perfect job for me. I was fairly flexible with my hours if I needed to be, I had a letter of recommendation from a dear friend who is a librarian/teacher at the kids' school, I had great references, I have experience from volunteering at the schools for so many years that was some of what the job requirements mentioned. They turned me down. That was hard. I started looking again, trying to find part time daytime only jobs is hard. Everything I thought I could do had a requirement that I wasn't able to quite meet, or the position was filled by the time I found it online and inquired about it. It was very discouraging. I knew I could probably work retail someplace, but I just didn't want to go that route. I knew that working retail would take me away from my family for more times than I felt was acceptable.
Fast forward to last week. Thursday afternoon Steve called and told me that we had an appointment that evening with the new Stake President (who also happened to be our Bishop, he hadn't been released and replaced yet). We joked about Steve being the new Bishop, but never really thought that's what it would be. We figured it would be a call for him to be a counselor in the Bishopric. I also slightly wondered if it might be for me. Our stake and another stake had just been combined and split to create a new third stake and we lost a lot of leadership positions in YW and Camp when the two wards switched over to the new stake.
Nope. Steve is the new Bishop of Vancouver 7th Ward. We were both floored by the call and both feel very unqualified and nervous. I know Steve will do an awesome job. He has a way with people and is very good at serving others. I, on the other hand, have ALWAYS said that I am not nice enough to be a bishop's wife. I am scared to death that I won't be the right support to him or that I will offend someone and cause a problem. I feel like people always like Steve, but tolerate me, lol.
So the whole job thing is glaringly obvious now. There would be no way that I could have done that library job with Steve as Bishop. He will be gone at least three nights a week and all day on Sundays. The other jobs I looked into were too far away or had hours that wouldn't have worked either. You'd think by now, I'd have learned to just trust my heavenly father when he tells me something, but I always second guess my answers and wonder if they are just me imagining what I want to be the answer. Hopefully I can work on that. :)
It hasn't even been a whole week since we received the call, and the blessings are already noticeable. The kids aren't fighting as much and they are being more helpful. Our marriage relationship has turned more tender and our bond feels stronger than it has ever felt. We are remembering to say our prayers and spending time together as a family that almost always turns to a spiritual nature. The biggest changes I see are in Steve and in myself. He is softer somehow. Not in a "girly" way, but has been obviously trying harder to be a better, more attentive father and husband. I am calmer. I have more patience with everything and everyone. Even the dog!
I know that the next several years will bring stress and chaos and challenges to our lives, but if the last few days are any indicator of the blessings we will also receive, I am so grateful and excited. I know it won't be easy, but I think that being the "Bishop's Wife" will be my favorite "calling" ever!
Once I realized that Hannah would be attending full day Kindergarten, I began to worry about getting a job. Now, I promise I am not lazy. I have worked when I needed to, had two jobs when Steve was in school and I was expecting Becka. My main desire, goal and plan has always been to be a stay at home mom. I honestly never wanted a career, never had an idea of what to study in school, etc. I just really wanted to be a mom. My calling as mother has always been first and foremost in my mind (and thankfully Steve's) and I felt that even though my kids were in school, they still needed that security of knowing that I am home waiting for them and available whenever they need me. I also felt guilty. I was home with the other kids when they were in school, didn't Hannah deserve my attention as well? Guilt is something I am very good at.
Anyway, I prayed and thought about the decision to go to work once school started. I received an answer of not yet. My impression was to take this school year off to continue my weight loss goals, work on organizing the house, take some time to do a few things that I have put aside in recent years. I told Steve and he and I agreed to that plan. Well, last fall, we started really looking at college costs for Becka and realizing just how dang expensive it is. Steve started to really get worried. He kept telling me I needed to get a job. I was conflicted because I felt like I had already gotten my answer for this school year and I hadn't felt like anything needed to change. But, I knew that if I was working, it would help pay off some bills and help contribute to Becka's schooling next year. I prayed and fasted and went to the temple and prayed for an answer again. My answer was the same. Not now. I was so confused. On one hand, I had my husband asking me to please go ahead and do it now, and on the other hand, I had the Lord telling me no. It was a really strange place to be. So, I applied for a part time job at the public library. I felt really confident. It was the perfect job for me. I was fairly flexible with my hours if I needed to be, I had a letter of recommendation from a dear friend who is a librarian/teacher at the kids' school, I had great references, I have experience from volunteering at the schools for so many years that was some of what the job requirements mentioned. They turned me down. That was hard. I started looking again, trying to find part time daytime only jobs is hard. Everything I thought I could do had a requirement that I wasn't able to quite meet, or the position was filled by the time I found it online and inquired about it. It was very discouraging. I knew I could probably work retail someplace, but I just didn't want to go that route. I knew that working retail would take me away from my family for more times than I felt was acceptable.
Fast forward to last week. Thursday afternoon Steve called and told me that we had an appointment that evening with the new Stake President (who also happened to be our Bishop, he hadn't been released and replaced yet). We joked about Steve being the new Bishop, but never really thought that's what it would be. We figured it would be a call for him to be a counselor in the Bishopric. I also slightly wondered if it might be for me. Our stake and another stake had just been combined and split to create a new third stake and we lost a lot of leadership positions in YW and Camp when the two wards switched over to the new stake.
Nope. Steve is the new Bishop of Vancouver 7th Ward. We were both floored by the call and both feel very unqualified and nervous. I know Steve will do an awesome job. He has a way with people and is very good at serving others. I, on the other hand, have ALWAYS said that I am not nice enough to be a bishop's wife. I am scared to death that I won't be the right support to him or that I will offend someone and cause a problem. I feel like people always like Steve, but tolerate me, lol.
So the whole job thing is glaringly obvious now. There would be no way that I could have done that library job with Steve as Bishop. He will be gone at least three nights a week and all day on Sundays. The other jobs I looked into were too far away or had hours that wouldn't have worked either. You'd think by now, I'd have learned to just trust my heavenly father when he tells me something, but I always second guess my answers and wonder if they are just me imagining what I want to be the answer. Hopefully I can work on that. :)
It hasn't even been a whole week since we received the call, and the blessings are already noticeable. The kids aren't fighting as much and they are being more helpful. Our marriage relationship has turned more tender and our bond feels stronger than it has ever felt. We are remembering to say our prayers and spending time together as a family that almost always turns to a spiritual nature. The biggest changes I see are in Steve and in myself. He is softer somehow. Not in a "girly" way, but has been obviously trying harder to be a better, more attentive father and husband. I am calmer. I have more patience with everything and everyone. Even the dog!
I know that the next several years will bring stress and chaos and challenges to our lives, but if the last few days are any indicator of the blessings we will also receive, I am so grateful and excited. I know it won't be easy, but I think that being the "Bishop's Wife" will be my favorite "calling" ever!
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Finding me again
I've been wanting to start blogging again. I feel like I need that outlet. I was thinking about how much I used to love to write. Short stories, poems, even just stream of consciousness like this. I would like to try and start up again.
Things are still up and down for me. I've been on a new anti depressant med for about a year and a half now, and it is helping. Not super terrific wonderful, but helping. I can tell that I am more numb than happy, but at least I am not always feeling hopeless and sad. I have started to get anxiety attacks, which is a fairly new thing for me. My friend has given me some essential oils to use when I can feel one coming on, and they do help if I catch it in time. My biggest trigger is when I'm sitting in the chapel full of people at church. Especially if I'm boxed in the bench and feel like I have no outlet. It also has happened at Jake's and Becka's band concerts. I try to be mindful of that and sit on an outside edge whenever I can. I can tell that Steve notices, and he tries to keep me on an edge as well.
Some really good things have happened. Last February (2015), I joined a weight loss challenge group that my awesome sis in law, Dana was hosting. Each challenge lasts 12 weeks and has several steps to help start and maintain a healthier lifestyle. I have finished 3 challenges in a row and have lost 33 pounds from my heaviest weight at 2013 pounds (I started the first challenge at 198 pounds). I'm trying to be realistic and am setting my goal at 150 pounds. I know I should probably be lower than that, but I want to get to 150 and then make a new decision from there. It has been difficult for me. I have lost the weight so slowly and it is very easy to gain back between challenges. It scares me to know that when I don't have the accountability, I tend to lose control again and the weight sneaks up on me. Steve joined me in the last challenge and he lost 30 pounds! He won for the men's group. It is a lot easier to have him doing it with me-someone else to keep me accountable and to encourage me. I am not giving up, no matter how hard it is.
The kids are good. Hannah started kindergarten this past fall and is doing great. Rachel is in fifth grade. She is still doing gymnastics and loves it. She also started playing clarinet in band. Jake is in 8th grade and just started basketball for the second year at school. He still plays trumpet in band. He recently got his Life Scout rank and is headed toward Eagle. Becka is a senior. She is taking full time classes at Clark College to obtain her HS diploma and her AA degree by June. She would like to go to Western Washington University in the fall. Steve and I made her apply to BYU as well. She stopped band, much to our dismay, but is doing awesome in school and also has a part time nanny job. My kids are amazing! I'm so blessed.
I do have more to say, but there are bathrooms to clean and laundry to fold and messes to pick up.
Things are still up and down for me. I've been on a new anti depressant med for about a year and a half now, and it is helping. Not super terrific wonderful, but helping. I can tell that I am more numb than happy, but at least I am not always feeling hopeless and sad. I have started to get anxiety attacks, which is a fairly new thing for me. My friend has given me some essential oils to use when I can feel one coming on, and they do help if I catch it in time. My biggest trigger is when I'm sitting in the chapel full of people at church. Especially if I'm boxed in the bench and feel like I have no outlet. It also has happened at Jake's and Becka's band concerts. I try to be mindful of that and sit on an outside edge whenever I can. I can tell that Steve notices, and he tries to keep me on an edge as well.
Some really good things have happened. Last February (2015), I joined a weight loss challenge group that my awesome sis in law, Dana was hosting. Each challenge lasts 12 weeks and has several steps to help start and maintain a healthier lifestyle. I have finished 3 challenges in a row and have lost 33 pounds from my heaviest weight at 2013 pounds (I started the first challenge at 198 pounds). I'm trying to be realistic and am setting my goal at 150 pounds. I know I should probably be lower than that, but I want to get to 150 and then make a new decision from there. It has been difficult for me. I have lost the weight so slowly and it is very easy to gain back between challenges. It scares me to know that when I don't have the accountability, I tend to lose control again and the weight sneaks up on me. Steve joined me in the last challenge and he lost 30 pounds! He won for the men's group. It is a lot easier to have him doing it with me-someone else to keep me accountable and to encourage me. I am not giving up, no matter how hard it is.
The kids are good. Hannah started kindergarten this past fall and is doing great. Rachel is in fifth grade. She is still doing gymnastics and loves it. She also started playing clarinet in band. Jake is in 8th grade and just started basketball for the second year at school. He still plays trumpet in band. He recently got his Life Scout rank and is headed toward Eagle. Becka is a senior. She is taking full time classes at Clark College to obtain her HS diploma and her AA degree by June. She would like to go to Western Washington University in the fall. Steve and I made her apply to BYU as well. She stopped band, much to our dismay, but is doing awesome in school and also has a part time nanny job. My kids are amazing! I'm so blessed.
I do have more to say, but there are bathrooms to clean and laundry to fold and messes to pick up.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
This Friday it will have been ten years since my dad died. Ten years. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Well, other than sad. It's kind of crummy, how I can go a day or so now and realize that I haven't thought about him yet, when I used to think about him every day. This sort of forgetting thing is really a bummer. I don't want to forget. I don't want my kids to forget. I want to always remember. Sometimes it takes me a minute to get a picture of his face in my mind, or remember what his voice sounded like. I hate that. I do like that I can see traces of him in my kids at times...certain mannerisms that Jake has, or the way Rachie does something will trigger a memory of him for me. It hurts my heart to know that Jake won't remember him and the two little girls never even got to meet him. I miss my daddy.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Better
So far, I feel better today. I haven't really done anything important, so I'm sure tonight I will be feeling like I wasted another day, but right now, I'm ok. I snuggled on the couch with Ladybug for a long time, read a bit, and worked on the laundry mountain that never seems to slow down. LB and I are headed in to tidy up the girls' room when I finish up here. It's a mess of toys and clothes. Shouldn't bee too hard to get it straightened up, it just seems like when I send the girls in there to do it by themselves, they make more mess than it started with! They definitely do better with some guidance and help. My goal over the next few weeks is to get the other members of this family to start picking up after themselves. I think that is a lot of my problem. I spend so much time putting other people's junk away that by the time I'm done doing that, I just want to cry when I see the regular jobs that still need to be taken care of. Plus, it makes me upset because then I have no time to do something that I'd like to do, like create or read or exercise.
I'm going to the temple tonight. I really don't want to go. I just want to stay home and do nothing, but I'm hoping it will be a good experience.
Ok, off to clean up! Hope your day is a great one!!
I'm going to the temple tonight. I really don't want to go. I just want to stay home and do nothing, but I'm hoping it will be a good experience.
Ok, off to clean up! Hope your day is a great one!!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
What's the problem?
I have issues, I know that. I'll be the first to admit it. But I just can't get over the feeling that there is something really wrong with me. I just can't seem to do the things I want/need to do anymore without feeling completely overwhelmed and just usually end up shutting down completely because of the stress of it all. Nothing I say or do seems to get me any help from my family. I am tired. Just really, really tired. Tired of everything. Tired of trying. Tired of pretending. Tired of falling short of what everyone else thinks I should be. It's really hard to face the mornings, knowing that I will end up feeling worse and worse as I go throughout the day and wishing the hours away until I can climb back in bed and sleep...oblivious to the crud for a few sweet hours. Why do I feel like this and how do I make it go away? I just want to feel happy and healthy again.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Another try?
I've been feeling the need lately for some sort of outlet. I used to do things that I loved, like writing, photography, etc. Now I feel like we are so busy that I'm lucky if I get a chance to read a bit before bed at night. I would really like to start taking pictures again. I've had an itch for the past month or so that makes me want to pick up the camera and spend some time behind the lens again. I feel like I need to get the house in order before I can really get going on other things, so hopefully I can find the energy to make that happen. I am also setting a goal to check in here more often. It's been almost a year! Yikes!
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