The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Well, mostly bad and ugly lately, lol. There is something really wrong with me. I know it is depression/anxiety, I have dealt with that for a long time, but I'm not sure how to decide what kind it is or how I should treat it. Part of me thinks it is PPD, I had it so badly after Becka was born that I have been hyper vigilant after the other kids about taking my meds. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I thought I was doing ok this time, so I went off my meds last summer. I hate how I feel on them...like I'm in a fog. Just existing, not feeling any emotion. I'm not depressed, I'm not happy, I just am. Plus, I don't like taking anything while I am nursing if I don't have to. I was doing well until the last month or so. Because of that I am wondering if I actually have SAD instead. Last week was awful. I honestly was in bed or on the couch for 4 days straight, doing only the bare minimum I had to do. Being around a lot of people sometimes sends me into anxious, stressed out mode (Christmas was hard to deal with). I know it affects my kids. They were begging to go somewhere and I couldn't even bring myself to go outside, walk half a block down the street and get the mail. This week seems better, I've made a couple of goals for myself for this month. They are ridiculously easy and sound silly, but it's honestly where I'm at right now. They are to take a shower before I go get Rachel from school every day (11:10am) and go be outside for at least 10 minutes every day. The outside thing seems to help. This house is a dark cave and it makes me feel trapped, so getting even a tiny amount of light and fresh air makes a difference. I also wonder if it could be my hormones are still all crazy from having Ladybug and nursing, lack of sleep, etc. Maybe it's a combination of everything? I feel awful. I haven't gotten things done for other people that I was supposed to do, my house is trashed, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Steve wants me to try going back on the medicine, so I guess I'll try it again. I wish I could help him understand why I don't like taking it. I have some friends who have suggested I try taking vitamins, especially vitamin D and iron supplements. I know I am anemic and I do have a vitamin D deficiency, so that will help me be healthier even if it doesn't help the depression. I just want to be me again. I feel like life is passing by and I am missing the joy of it all because I can't deal with things the way I used to.

Did ya know?

So, I'm adding a shameless plug here, but I love to show off my kids. :) I don't have any followers yet over at my P365 blog. I think I only have two people who even look at it. :) If you get bored, head on over and see! The link is on the sidebar here it's the "Another Day in Paradise" one, or you can go to: www.heidisparadise.blogspot.com

Sisters and Brothers

Dana lent me the big sister shirt she got for Kylie because it matches Hannah's little sister shirt. I had to hurry and take these pics of Rachie and Ladybug before Baby Brinley came.

I love them! Jakey even got a couple shots. He didn't have a fancy shirt, but that's ok. Becka was at the Portland Art Museum with her class from YW, and was sad when she saw that I had done pics without her. I'll have to do some of the two of them later. It makes me happy to see how much the kids love Hannah, and how much she loves them!

Baby time!

Miss Brinley Claire Christensen is here! She was born November 26, and weighed 9 lbs, 4 oz. I think she looks just like her big sisters! I love all the nieces and nephews I've been getting this year! It's so fun to have babies to play with!

blessed

Today was a long one. Fighting kids to get ready and on time for school, dentist appointment, flat tire, dance class, make dinner, help with homework....the list was long today. I did get a chance to go to a craft night with some of the ladies from my ward. I haven't ever really felt like I have any real friends here. Even though we've been in this house for 7 and a half years, I just haven't found my "niche". There are a few girls from church, and I enjoy being with them, but I tend to feel really insecure about opening up and actually stepping out of my comfort zone with anyone. Thank goodness this wonderful group of women doesn't give up and continues to invite me to things despite my lack of friendliness. Tonight I got to go to a craft night at one of their homes. There were only 6 of us there, everyone doing little projects or just chatting. I had so much fun! I finally glimpsed a little bit of what I've been missing for so long. I enjoy the company of these ladies so much, and love that they are so much fun to hang out with. It might sound a bit silly that I am going on and on about it, but tonight I am feeling blessed to have had a wonderful evening with some wonderful friends!

Miss Mia

I did a mini shoot for Miss Mia. Here are a couple of my favs! We are planning on doing more asap!

Bazaar

Well, my first bazaar went about as well as I expected. There wasn't a lot of advertising, and with it being their first year, not many people knew about it. I only sold about $11.00 worth of stuff. That's ok though. I wasn't expecting much. Plus, it makes it so that I don't have to stress about finishing things for the big bazaar on the 20th.
I was talking to Ang and Melissa about it and I think this is my last year doing the bazaars. I enjoy having the day of fun with them and I love making things, but I don't like the mess and chaos it tends to create at home. I'd rather just spend the day with them shopping or go spend the night at the beach or something. Maybe I can see if we could use Grandma Ard's beach house one Friday night or something like that.
I have also decided that I can still make the fun things I enjoy making, but instead of mass producing them to sell, I can make a few here and there for my family and friends. So, watch out!! Crazy homemade things may be coming your way soon!